Internet Commentor Knows How To Quell Baltimore Riots

Baltimore riots

Police make an attempt at quelling the Baltimore riots last week.

Baltimore was catapulted into the national eye two weeks ago when it was rocked by protests and riots that brought the troubled city to a standstill and required the National Guard to restore order after several Baltimore riots broke out. The unrest, sparked by the death of Freddie Gray while in police custody, mirrored similar controversies in other cities around the country where tensions run high between police forces and some African American communities.

Solution To Baltimore Riots

While many social commentators, sociologists, and criminologists have offered myriad theories as to the causes and long-term effects of the Baltimore riots, authorities have turned to “DanTheMan85,” a regular contributor to The Baltimore Sun’s online comment section for help.

These jer*offs (sic) need to pull up their pants and get lives

“These jer*offs (sic) need to pull up their pants and get lives,” he opined in the comments after a letter to the editor concerning the unrest. “Maybe if they got jobs instead of burning down a CVS, they’d get more respect.”

Thomas Bryon, the Assistant Director of the Baltimore City Department of Social Services said that he, and his staff, were all astonished when they read DanTheMan85’s comments the next morning.

“His unique perspective and ability to boil down the situation to its purest essence was mind-blowing,” exclaimed Byron. “We had been looking at this problem all wrong for decades and this guy nailed it one sentence! I called Governor Hogan immediately to urge him to start handing out belts and creating jobs as soon as possible to get the situation under control.” This pre-emptive approach is being utilized in case there are more Baltimore riots as the case against the six policemen progresses through the court system.

DanTheMan A Wealth of Insight

According to DanTheMan85’s profile, his account was created in 2011 and he has commented 11,313 times on various articles on The Baltimore Sun’s website. This is not the first time that his laser-like clarity of thought has instantly solved complex problems. Less than two months ago, he successfully debunked Climate Change after an article about carbon offsets.

“Global Warming is a myth, sheeple,” he stated. “Have you looked at the snow outside? Yeah, that’s Al Gore’s Global Warming. NOT! LOL!”

Following that comment, the National Climatic Data Center attempted to reach DanTheMan85 for further insights, without success.

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Category: State of Maryland

About the Author ()

Hi, I'm Laura Ritz and the Intern here at The Crabwrapper. I hear that Maryland apologized for that whole slavery thing--so I have to ask how the hell they can make me bust my ass and not pay me a cent? Oh, that's right, it is for the "experience." Well, to make ends meet, you can always catch up with me at McDoogals in the Dena!

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